victimhood empowerment surrender

Victimhood

Empowerment

Surrender

These are three possible frames of mind from which we can meet a situation. They are really the fundamental feelings that we have in relation to an event or life situation, or sometimes the whole of life. Before we look at each of these three states of mind in turn, it's worth noting that we can move between them quite rapidly sometimes. We might be feeling ourselves to be a victim of circumstances one moment, and the next gain some sense of empowerment and control over the situation. And in another moment, we might let go into a space of surrender. So we can move between all three states many times within a single day. But over all we tend to have one dominant mode, our attitude to life, and as part of the spiritual journey that might evolve over time.

The space of victimhood is the most tragic of these three states. When we are feeling ourselves to be a victim, we are feeling disempowered. We feel that we have no control over the situation, perhaps no control over our life at all. And we also feel as a victim that other people, or life circumstances, are harmful to us. So as a victim I am suffering and it's a rather hopeless situation because I don't have the power or the control to change the way things are. All I can really do is whinge about my situation in life. I can complain, and I can feel slightly self righteous in that complaining, but I can't actually change anything.

And this state of victimhood is interesting because, at first glance, it looks like a terrible state to be in: I'm a victim, I'm suffering, I'm being oppressed, either by some other people, some other person, or by the whole of life. Perhaps everything is out to get me. Nothing ever works out. Where does everything always go wrong? I can't hold down a job. My relationships fall apart. But it's not my fault. It's the world, it's a hostile place. So it's a very negative view of the outside world. And it combines that with an implicit sense of dependence on other people, like a small child. And that's possibly where part of this psychology of victimhood has come from.

As a small child we are totally dependent on adults. And perhaps if we don't get our way very often as a small child, we start to feel this sense of being a victim. And it can get stuck, so that we see the whole of life as being oppressive and against us, and that we don't have any power to change that.

And the great tragedy is even this negative mindset can get so embedded that we identify with it. I am a victim, is the implicit belief, and it becomes part of our identity. And when we identify with something, we don't want to let it go. We don't want to change it. It's become who I am. And even if that's a miserable state to be in, I'd rather stay with that, because it's who I am, than enter the space of not knowing who I am. If I'm not a victim, then who am I?

So this sense of victimhood can be very sticky. We can find ourself stuck in it, complaining about our partner, complaining about our family members, complaining about the government, complaining about everybody and everything, never taking any responsibility for it, and actually deep down, not wanting to take that responsibility. Because if we do start taking responsibility for something and it doesn't work out, then we can no longer blame everybody else. So in a way, this state of victimhood is comfortable because we avoid taking that responsibility. We can carry on blaming other people, and it's never my fault. But this space of victimhood, of course, is a very constrained space to live in. It's like we're in a dungeon, locked in. We can't do what we want, we can't achieve what we want. Nothing's ever going to go our way. And what's more it's not our fault. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm locked in a dungeon by other people. There's no escape.

So it's a rather bleak, minimal life to live: a life of victimhood.

And now let's look at the next state of mind, that of empowerment. When I'm in a state of empowerment, I feel I can change situations for the better. I have some control over situations. If there's something I don't like, I have the power to change it. I can make my life better. I can manifest whatever I want in life: the perfect job, the perfect relationship. And elsewhere other teachers are focused on this.

In terms of self help books, this is really one of the major themes – helping people to move from a space of victimhood into a space of empowerment. There are many, many books and teachings around this theme. And of course it is a great step to move from the space of victimhood into that of empowerment. I've come out of that dungeon, that little constraining, dark, rather lifeless cell, and now life is full of possibilities. Creative energy can flow through me. I can change things, I can create things, I can make the life I want. I want to live in a big house, then I can manifest that, if I am feeling empowered.

For me, this attitude of being empowered is what underlies the great American dream. I am going to leave everything behind and go to the New World, go to America, and there I can be whatever I want to be, and I can make it happen. It's really the entrepreneurial spirit. And it's very expansive compared to that state of victimhood. In a way it's not so easy because now if things don't go according to my plan, I'm no longer blaming other people. I'm no longer falling into that space of just being the victim of circumstances. If my business fails, then it's my failure. If my relationship fails then it's my failure. I have to be able to accept my responsibility, in the way my life goes. So in a way it's not such a cop out. It's not as easy as being a victim. But it does give me a lot more hope and a lot more space for growth. It gives me the chance to create the life that I want.

Although the state of empowerment is undoubtedly a step forward compared to being a victim, even so feeling empowered has its drawbacks. Because I am now in control of things, I have to stay in control. And that requires continuous effort on my part. I need to be on the job day and night around the clock. I can never really afford to relax or take a break. With my analogy of the American dream we can see that many people in the US only take a couple of weeks holiday each year – it's nothing – because they feel they have to be there at work. They need to be always on the job. And if they take too long off, they will no longer be in control of the situation. Something might happen whilst they are away and they'll be out of it.

So to stay in control requires a sort of ongoing tension within oneself. I can't really afford to relax. I can't take my eye off the ball for a moment. I always need to be alert, on the lookout. Although I'm feeling empowered, I'm also putting a huge energy into maintaining that state of empowerment, of being on the look out for things that might challenge it, defending myself against them. It's a very masculine attitude. I have to dominate situations in order to stay in control. It's very active. I always need to be doing. And also, I need to see where I'm going. It requires me to be able to envision my future. And of course that's much better than being stuck in that dungeon. But what if my imagination is somewhat limited? Perhaps there are even better things in life than I can envision. So even being empowered might, in a subtle way, be limiting my growth.

And that brings us to the third state of mind, that of surrender. And with this, we've come almost full circle. If we surrender to someone who is hostile, we give them power over us, and they will simply put us back in a dungeon, and we're back where we started – we're a victim. But of course, if we surrender to something that is benign, then in a way we have the best of both worlds. We are no longer having to do everything. We can simply receive. And if whoever or whatever we have surrendered to, has our best interests at heart, then it's great. It's like being in the womb. Mother's doing all the work. We can just lie back, float in that amniotic fluid, soaking up the nutrients that are coming our way, and enjoy life.

So surrender is really the ideal state for us to be in. But of course it requires a tremendous trust. I'm going to surrender that hard won sense of empowerment, of being in control. I'm going to give that away ,and for what? There's no guarantee. So it's a big risk to surrender. A part of us will feel that will probably end up back in a dungeon, a victim again. And one of the most curious aspects of the spiritual journey is that we need to be able to take this step, into surrender, even though we are afraid. And if we have too strong a belief that we're going to end up a victim, then that is where we will go. Our belief that we are doomed to be a victim can take us into that state.

So before we surrender, we need first find the trust in life: trust in existence or in god, that we will be provided for, that we will receive whatever we need – not necessarily the particulars, the vision that I was striving after when I was empowered, but we need a much deeper trust, that I can't even necessarily know what is going to be best for me. So we need to be able to surrender that sense of being in control, and also with it the belief that we know what is best. If we can manage to do this, if we can manage to find enough trust to take that step into a deep surrender to life, then we find ourself in a beautiful state: a feminine state of receptivity, where life is flowing to us in abundance, and the creativity is in our life, but we are clearly not in control of it. Life becomes rich, unpredictable, not controlled, and yet bountiful.

And the amazing thing is, it's really only our psychology that has changed. It is our own psychology that had been creating that dungeon and keeping us in it, because of the way we interpreted life's events. And the same when we were empowered, in those moments we again were interpreting life in a certain way, and it gave us that feeling of control. And so it is with surrender: if we can let go of control, the need to control, with a trusting heart, then life becomes miraculous, and that is the true liberation. That is spiritual freedom.