feeling special

In the previous episode of comfort blankets, I talked about our urge to be normal. In this episode I want to talk about a related urge, and that is the need to feel special.

The need to feel special is diametrically opposed to the need to feel normal. And this is one of the bizarre things about our psychology. Deep down we have something we don’t like in us, so we put a layer of psychology over the top of that to hide it: a mask. But that mask is at some other extreme, and in a way that is not fulfilling either. So we put yet another layer over the top of that, and we end up with layer upon layer of falsity. And every one of these comfort blankets is such a layer. The ego mind is not concerned that these various layers are totally incompatible with one another. In fact, the ego rather likes that. If one aspect is not being nourished, or is not nourishing the ego, then another one will be. And we will never feel complete because one layer or another will always feel lacking. The separate self, the ego mind, loves all this.

So along with the urge to be normal, many people also have this need to feel special. In the modern world, it’s rather easy to become lost in the crowd: to be a faceless employee of a massive corporation, to commute to work with thousands of other people, not talking to one another, not smiling to one another. For many people the world has dehumanised to the point where it’s impossible to feel oneself in one’s uniqueness. And that comfort blanket I spoke about last time – the urge to be normal – has exaggerated that effect. And if we manage to lose ourself in the crowd in that way, of course we discover that it is not fulfilling, that something is missing. So we yearn to feel special.

And how do we go about satisfying this urge to feel special? There are many ways. Some people may push themselves in sport to become the best, to become famous, to become a big name. Or someone might become a celebrity by another route, by being a rockstar or a TV personality. Modern societies love to pick a few people and shine a bright light on them. The attention of millions is focused there, through the mass media. This is the world we live in: a handful of people celebrated as special, and everyone else left in a morass of normality.

Of course only a few will become celebrities, but there’s another way that many more people seek to feel special, and that is through relationship. If I am in an exclusive relationship then, at least to my partner, I am special. I am a special person in their life, and they like me more than they like anyone else, so I must be special. This is a psychology that is at play in monogamous, or even open relationships where there’s some sense of this being a primary relationship. The main underlying energy in such a relationship is the need to feel special. And if both people have that need, which is quite likely, then of course there is a co-dependency. Both partners are playing the same game and getting the same thing from that relationship: a feeling that they are special.

Taking a step back from all this, meditating alone, and feeling the silence of who we really are, it is easy to see that every being is special. Every blade of grass is unique. So what to say about a human being? We are all special. But it needs no validation. We do not need to prove that – to ourselves or to anyone else. All we need do is dwell for a moment in the silence of our essence. And all of this becomes so clear, so obvious. It can all drop away: the need to feel special and the need to be normal. We can let go of all of this, and be who we are, as we are, without needing to fit in anywhere, and without needing to prove to ourselves or others that we are special.