feeling secure

We like to feel secure. We like to feel safe. And this is the mechanism that underlies all comfort blankets, psychologically. They are comfort blankets – that is they make us feel comfortable – because we are familiar with them, we know them. And because we have known them before, we can predict how life will be, whilst they are there with us. So all comfort blankets are really about living in the known, the familiar. And what that buys us is a feeling of security. And so, in this last episode of comfort blankets, we are going to look a little bit more at this psychology, of needing to feel secure. That feeling of security within one’s psychology, that is the fundamental comfort blanket. That’s what we are after by using other comfort blankets. They give us this feeling of security, and with that we can relax, and we feel comfortable.

But here I want to question, is it necessary to feel secure in order to be able to relax, in order to feel comfortable? As a young child, as a baby, a toddler, our very existence depends utterly on other people, usually our parents, primarily. But we are defenceless. We cannot feed ourselves without the help of other people. We are very vulnerable. And of course it’s very natural to have an instinct to live, to stay alive. It’s perfectly healthy. And as a young person, security from the environment is an important part of that.

Even as adults, of course, there can be situations where our life is threatened, and then of course we will not feel comfortable until we have changed the circumstances. But in many countries such life-threatening moments have become very rare. The move towards civilisation has made life very safe. And yet somewhere our psychology seems to have got stuck in the past, in a time when life-threatening situations were much more common, or in a time when we were still a child, a small vulnerable child.

So, as with much of the psychological work of the spiritual journey, we need to look at whether our psychology can be updated, brought in line with the reality of our life as it is at the moment. Otherwise those same psychological responses get applied in inappropriate situations. For example, if you go to buy a newspaper, and your favourite newspaper has sold out, it might cause you discomfort having to buy a different newspaper, one that you are not familiar with. But that’s not a life-threatening situation, is it? Your existence doesn’t depend on having your regular newspaper. The same comfort blanket psychology is being applied in a place where it’s not needed. Buying a different newspaper once in a while could be an adventure. And maybe different opinions expressed in this newspaper: you might see the world from a slightly different perspective. There’s no harm in it at all. On the contrary, it will enrich your life.

And that’s a dilemma we face with regard to comfort blankets and that feeling of security. Whilst we are living in a secure way, surrounded by our comfort blankets, everything is known, and there is no space for anything new. Our life is an endless cycle of repeating stories: the same breakfast, the same newspaper, the same café, everything the same, day after day, comfortable, and yet ultimately pointless. One could just as well live a single day and then drop dead, for the other days are merely a repetition.

Whereas, if we can let go of this needing to feel secure, if we can live our life in a way where we welcome the new, the unknown, where we step into it, not only willingly but with that sense of adventure and excitement, open to new experiences and new perspectives on the world, if we can live our life that way, then everyday will be fresh. Every day will have a vitality to it. We will always be feeling young and alive, excited by life, inspired by it.

And can one relax if one is living this way, living in the unknown? Yes. It’s a different sort of relaxation. It’s not the relaxation of apathy that comes when one is addicted to being comfortable and living in the known, but one can relax with the unknown. But ultimately for that relaxation to go deep, one must also have made one’s peace with the prospect of death. For it comes back to those early roots of the need to feel secure, which is all about survival.

But in a way the whole spiritual journey is a preparation for death. It’s something that modern societies don’t teach at all. We turn our back on death. We try to avoid even thinking about it. But the spiritual journey, the spiritual way of living one’s life, requires us to look at death, look it in the face, and not turn away. And when we can face the prospect of death, without being disturbed in any way, then we can be comfortable with life, with everything in life. We have no more need of feeling secure. And we have no more need of comfort blankets.